Living with a black dog
Winston Churchill used the metaphor of the black dog to describe his bouts of depression. In the only sentence I will ever be mentioned alongside Churchill, I too am the non-too proud owner of a black dog. I have referred to my previous struggles with depression in earlier posts. The resulting feedback from others that are struggling has prompted me to want to tackle the subject head-on.
I have always sought to be open about my struggles. I like to try and find the positives in the challenges that I face in my life. Being an open person by nature, I feel something of a responsibility to try and help others. I want to challenge the stigma and misunderstanding that exists around the illness.
Depression is an illness
Make no mistake, depression is an illness.
At its worst, the black dog is all-consuming; a torturous, desperate, lonely, terrifying illness. It has the power to strip you of your very sense of self. It crushes your self-worth and your dignity, as you try and fail to face the obstacles, both real and perceived in your damaged mind, of everyday life. The illness closes around you like a prison, and from within its walls it is all but impossible to conceive of a way to escape.
You are no longer you, and it is incredibly difficult to comprehend just who and what depression has turned you into.
At its very worst depression offers not a single moment of respite from its cruel grip. There is the physical sensation of your head being trapped in a vice with a storm of terrifying thoughts constantly battering your mind. Shaking, sweating, losing the ability to think and speak coherently. The ability to spontaneously smile and laugh cut from your being as if by a surgeon.
And this suffering can persist, unrelenting, for months. So, exhausted, the only haven appears to be beneath the covers, where we find one final cruelty as our ability to sleep is lost. There is no exaggeration here.
Understanding the black dog
Whilst it is impossible to conceive of unless you have experienced it, by writing about it I hope that more people can at least open their minds to the idea that depression is a real and serious illness. The sense of disconnection from others and, critically, from yourself, makes depression a cruelly isolating experience.
As such, the words of others who understand and who have prevailed over the illness, can be a huge source of comfort and support. This is vital when they are in desperately short supply.
They can also help those that are around the sufferer to better understand what they are going through. The sufferer’s pain is compounded by the sense that they are somehow to blame for their illness. They can feel that some failing or weakness on their part caused it, and that their continuing condition is their fault, for not being stronger or more resilient.
The black dog is draining
It must be said, being around somebody in the grip of depression can be a draining, isolating and emotionally exhausting experience. Relationships can be rocked to their foundations.
Family and friends do their best, but whilst they can visit the sufferer in their prison, they can’t break down the walls. They can’t provide the key. Only the sufferer can do that, but the love, support and care of others, including qualified professionals, are an essential part of the cure. And when the depression passes the bonds of love and friendship can be stronger than ever before.
And therein lies an important truth of depression, it passes.
Depression too will pass
There is no magic solution, no immediate fix. There is a gradual process of recovery. It is facilitated by a combination of things that, together, help to lift the sufferer out of despair and into the brightness of new days of hope. And there are truly no brighter days than those that follow the darkness of depression.
It is difficult to accept that a black dog lies within.
Following my first depression I managed to convince myself that it was a one-off event. I believed that in my recovery lay the proof that I had conquered whatever had caused it to strike. I had to reassess that view when it returned to viciously shake me from my complacency.
Now I try to maintain a balanced view of myself as someone that has the seeds of depression within, whilst not accepting as inevitable the possibility of a future episode.
Vigilance is key
Understanding depression – as far as it is possible to understand an illness whose roots are still largely unknown – and understanding ourselves. Understanding our triggers, and the sometimes subtle behavioural signs that indicate that the black dog may be padding along in our slipstream. It’s important to keep busy, take one day at a time, and be around others. We must also recognise that sometimes it is necessary to take time out to rest.
And always to know that ‘this too shall pass’.
Depression is very difficult to admit to but I don’t fear being thought weak for admitting my struggles. I know from experience just how much strength it takes to overcome them.
Click here for my vlog on how it feels to live with the black dog
Matthew’s debut book, Something Changed: Stumbling Through Divorce, Dating & Depression, is available now Click here for info
Soundtrack: Don’t Feel Amazing Now – Guillemots
If you feel that you may be experiencing depression the following short video may help you:
6 thoughts on “I Had a Black Dog”
Reblogged this on Matthew Williams: Love, Laughter & Truth and commented:
This is one of the first posts that I wrote and it remains one of the most popular, receiving regular visits.
It can be very difficult to understand just how depression feels unless you have been there. I certainly had no idea, and that made it all the more terrifying when it took hold of me.
Writing this post, and the subsequent response to it, taught me that I have an ability to express something of the experience of depression. I hope that it continues to help people to better understand the nature of this illness, and that it helps those that are struggling to feel a little less alone – to help them to see that what they are experiencing is something that many of us have struggled with and, most importantly, have overcome.
Reblogged this on http://www.its1stepatatime.com and commented:
Matthew sums up Depression brilliantly and the short video is VERY moving.
Thank you for sharing such an insightful piece of writing. The video is really good and brought a tear to my eye realising how far I’ve come. Thank you
Thank you, it always means a lot when people can relate to what I write. And yes, it can be overwhelming sometimes to think back to how low you have been and just how far you have had to come to climb back.