‘People don’t fake mental illness, they fake being okay.’

More people are talking about mental health. This is a good thing as it normalises mental health and mental health problems – the two are different things – helping to break the shame and stigma that prevents people from seeking help and, at worst, leads to tragic loss of life and brings devastation to families.

As with many things, there is a flip side.

‘They’re only doing it for sympathy / attention.’

Every time this is said it adds to the shame of admitting that you need help. That you’re struggling and don’t know who you can speak to or what you can do to make the pain and despair go away.

Do people fake it?

Probably.

But I’d wager a fair sum that many, many, many more are suffering in silence, painting on a smile each day and pretending to be ‘okay’. Denying the pain and shame that lies beneath.

It’s hard to admit you’re not coping with life.

No, actually it’s HARD.

Especially when your mind and wider society are telling you that you have no reason to feel as you do. You have no right to complain or to ‘moan’. No right to burden others. No right to feel so desperately, desperately low and alone when you have everything you could ever want. When others have it so much worse.

Hard to admit you’re struggling so badly when you worry that speaking up will lead to losing your reputation, your job, your family.

But nobody asks to be ill. Nobody chooses the agony and despair of depression.

And when we’re ill what we need is understanding and help, not doubt and judgement. 

Denial is the logical outcome of ignorance, stigma and the fear of their consequences. And denial is dangerous, because by being in denial we are unable to face – and tackle – the reality of how things actually are.

I’d like to highlight three specific forms of denial that can compound mental distress:

Denial to others

This is the obvious one that most of us will think of – denying how we truly feel to others.

Wearing our masks.

Saying we’re okay when we’re anything but.

Laughing when inside we are screaming.

Dragging ourselves to the office with an increasingly heavy weight burdening our every step, every meeting, every tap on the keyboard.

Denial to self

If it’s hard to admit that we are struggling with our mental health to others, it can be equally as hard to admit it to ourselves.

What does being depressed say about us? About our character? Our strength or weakness? Our ability to be trusted with the responsibilities of our job, even our children?

And what would happen to us if we do admit it, what then? Where will that lead us, and who will be there for us when the truth is laid bare?

Denial of self

Who are you? I mean, who are you really, away from the expectations of others, and away from the ‘should’s of how to live your life? 

Do you truly know who you are, and if so, are you truly being who you are?

There can be many reasons for denying the truth of who we are – fear of how others will react, fear of not fitting in or being accepted, fear of who we will become, or fear of the changes that living authentically would require, for example in the work that we do or the people that we share our lives with.

But we can only deny our selves for so long, and the cost of living an inauthentic life can have a significant impact on our mental health and wellbeing.

The answer to all of these forms of denial is acceptance.

Acceptance that we are all made of the same stuff; that we all have mental health and we can all experience mental health problems. 

Acceptance of how we feel, and of the need to seek support when we’re struggling, of not having to carry our burden alone.

And acceptance that life is too short to be living anybody else’s idea of how our lives should be.